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Jun. 5th, 2009

One of the worst days of my life...


1: school :( but this always sux hehe
                           So i had to present an essay which was fine but i was extremely self concious...which didnt really go against my presentation but i felt the impact alllllll day! I was kind of depressed too because there is this stupid, idiotic, annoying bitch that i just want to smack!!!! she is stupid and ignorant because she asks me gay-ass questions and acts like a bimbo-cant say fer sher whether its an act or not tho. But she bugs me when im trying to concentrate (and i think i have add because i cant focus at times-like biology) in biiology-my worst class. she does her work, but the moment she is done she attaches herself to my side, brags about shit...makes me feel worse and cry inside, and when she is all done with that the teacher comes over and asks how far we got. To top that off, we got yearbooks and yesterday i couldn't bring mine so i could bring my bio book instead. She HAD to fuss over that and then today i didnt bring it since i was running late this morning...she had a bitch fit lol she was whiny and i just glared at her...but seriously i dont even know why i got a year book! i met no one this year! i have obsessed over this ed and if its not one, its definitely the other and all i do is dwell on them!!!! i cant spend weeks straight(i spent all major breaks this year) and i find it sick and repulsive! i feel bad for the friends i do have because i just find flaws in them, silently judge and fake all the smiles, laughs and convo topics i have with them. I am a sucky person. no wonder i have what i do and live where i do. i planned on meeting tons of people this year and getting tons of sigs...ya that didnt happen! last year it did but i was too cheap to get one :( wtf i have horrible judgement.

2: My sick other 'life'
                          instead of just 'letting go' of bping, i have found new ways to substitute it. other habits i didnt even know one could have, have creeped up and come out. I obsess over food portion-which is new for me...ususally its just cals *dry cackle here* and i am doing that orthorexic thing again, while fantasizing over purging it and imaginging the textures, colors and even smells. wow, like i said--i am one sick person! i randomly cry over stupid shit, or really complicated real life drama and how sucky my life is. i see why people think i have grown up too fast. i really do have the responsibilites of a 34 yo mom. im also over working out or just enough to burn the right amount of food off a plate :(  i have actually been losing weight-i hardly check myself. i came into this not wanting to care about pounds and shit but then i got ocd over it. yay me!

3: The family
                         They are as amazing as ever!!!! they are caring, loving and enjoy assisting me in school life as well as future plans in my life and homework :D NAAAWWWWT! if you are a parent, PLEASE do what i just wrote..please care about your kids and how they will end up! their dreams and needs are important too. they may seem perfect and fine, but as you know looks can be decieving.
I hate that i have to come online to get any support in anything! i love my mom and wouldnt/couldnt ask for another. she is amazing and i have helped her and even tho she hasnt helped me with many things, she cares but knows she is useless otherwise. she tries i guess.     My cousin is being a bitch and told me to fuck off when i told her to call her bf to get their kid. she leaves her here for him to supposedly pick up and 3 hours later we call her and she says that she will call him in a half hour. Ummm lets see, it takes like 2 hours to get a hold of him, and hour for him to care and a few more hours to take action on said task. wowowoowoowowo he is great! dream boyfriend right there!!! my mom hates my hatred towards him but w/e. i hate him, nothing no one can do and i find it humorous....sadly probably the only good thing in life right now.     then i am missing my cousin's graduation :( we were like besties back in the day ;P i knew she would graduate and i have anticipated it for a while! she is two years older and like the 5th in our fam to actually make it that far. she is like 3rd to make it to college-which she will start in fall!!!!!!! WOOO i am so proud of her =D my uncle is too busy 'napping' even though he thought it was yesterday and got on my case about not being there...i assume herioin would help explain that. then my other cousin previously mentioned is being a bitch so theres no hope on that. i didnt want to go earlier cuz i felt fat, insecure and thought i'd be out of place. of course i would be, but now im missing it and it just adds on to the misery :(

3: General
                       I have like no summer clothes period. im too scared to go shopping. my life sucks, and for some reason i keep thinking of the prices! like how i could spend that money on food or health/fitness classes..or that we are poor, when we really arent but im paranoid that we will become scum like the people that live up here :( wow i just have a flowery glowing rainbow stick shoved wayyyy up my ass, dont i? i want to change but i dont want to and i cant. <<that right there is why i cant....theres my glory daily life for ya. im too lazy to update and i dont really txt anymore because i have NO desire whatsoever, even opening one is a waste of time for me and it irritates me. all i can really do is sit in front of the computer and obsess over articles of bs or workout or watch/have ocd about my food. im paranoid and i know it. i dont even find cooking fun anymore. like once i start i cant stop, but i cant get myself motivated to start it! i got my first pedicure :) it was kind of lame but fun-ish. ofc i was ocd over EVERYTHING but thats just me i guess.

May. 31st, 2009

this both inspired me and made me cry a bit ='(


Seriously! I was in awe that someone could control themselves, i mean sure i can too when i have my 'moments' but 97% of the time i am uncontrollable :( This made me cry! there is a line in there that says "Should a grown woman have to hide a Toblerone—from herself?" yeah when i try that i end up going for it the moment weakness sets in! But this article is motivating me a bit :) 

Now truthfully, i have always been one to bounce from bp to overly healthy-near death mode....atm im at the latter one. I constantly want to bp but i NEED to lose weight-several motivators in life are coming all very soon and i need to look amazing (feeling amazing would just be too much to ask for) but if i can somehow convince myself that i am normal sized and perfectly pretty or cute as EVERYONE tells me, then i think i get through this life thing we live through ;) 
Lately i have been drowning in thoughts-and im kinda losing it...but i cant be if i can actually see that! so im guessing im fine :) for now.

I have been eating healthy...weekends dont count!
walking is actually fun, and cleaning around the house just enlightens me since i know im possibly burning off lunch!
cant say the eating ways are good, since it may be healthy but im following with info of giada de laurentiis. i love her cooking! she is great inspiration for me on a cooking level and fitness. its sad really...i have actually been torturing myself by looking at clothes i *should* be wearing to motivate me. also i found this great fitness thing on youtube. the lady is russian and has an amazing bod. she is also very healthy...and posts amazing recipes on there! she eats hardly anything tho, atleast to compensate for her amount of working out...but im doing the same thing so i cant really say anyting.

May. 17th, 2009

The Craziest of Things....

I feel like i dont deserve to exercise or lose weight, because no matter what i do i let myself down!
I shouldnt eat healthy because all that will happen is a few more pounds added on, or a few more inches to my waist.
This is tragic and all of my smarts on this topice are useless, uneeded and dont really work!

I should just get up and head to the kitchen to devour all of my disguised bp food. But there is a very, teeny-tiny part of me that is telling my that i AM worth it, i AM able to do this and that i CAN lose weight.
Another part of me is saying to lose the weight and continue to bp, then if im found out, it will seem like an ed that helps with weightloss rather than causes trauma to the one who does the actions.


These thoughts are killing me, aside from my demented depressed thoughts...these may even sound cheery compared to those.
Im definitely losing it, i have no one to help me but im appearing, on the outside, much happier and successful...im not at my lowest low, but im surely going to get there once summer starts.  i feel as though something is missing from me, im incomplete and lonely. I dont think its people i need, im really unsure and it makes me sad :(

May. 16th, 2009

Giving up?

I havent been on here in weeks!

I have given up completely on my so called damned-to-be-anyways-friendship with R.  I was prattling on about it a while back and had plans to 'get her back' after dropping her and pulling away. This time im not pulling, but ripping our connection to pieces. Im even thinking of ditching her number from my phone....its not like she ever tries to contact me anyways.  She just causes more unnecessary self loathing on my part, and pisses me off.

Lately i have been attempting to talk more in school and make some friends...because after all, two years of loneliness in high school can lead to nothing more than a personal social hell for me. I made two new friends and i've been comoing up with random convos with people i hardly talk to, but truthfully i can NEVER find anything to talk to people about. Big whoopty doo, the weather and grades are topics of interest for me, how lame!!!
Now not only am i ditching them, but im ditching the only people that actually know the hell i live in! I cant believe my attempts to 'normalize' myself have led me to complete solitude instead! Im always thinking of ways to improve myself, i try not to think about food, which leads me to think about it more, and i have been restricting a bit. My appetite has decreased but i still make a weekly trip to a fast food place.
My official inspiration on eating habits come from Italy, it usually does anyways but i just read an article that makes me want to bp for eternity and cry because they eat even less than i thought they did! I cried when i thought of how i need to actually just jump on the trian and do the 'lifestyle change' because the sooner i try, the sooner i can become thin. Im lame. But really, i have the worst eating habits ever and i aspire to go to italy, and 'do as the romans' haha

I have been keeping a written journal too :) just when i feel like writing-quite often, and it makes me feel released and happy no matter how im actually feeling at the moment. I can sort my thoughts and let go into my own world for once.
ALSO...I joined the SELF challenge :) I really want someone like me to join it with me since i  couldnt have a buddy that doesnt understand why i ate the whole pie and threw it up, ya know? I joined the challenge many times before but the article has really opened up my eyes and i HAVE to do it, its like my next action in life that has to be done or i wont feel whole ( i get like this occassionally)...


May. 5th, 2009

my week DAY 8!!!!

Cant say its been too Grand....

But not Too Bad either.

i still bloat and my face is still fat :(
My throat is better but now full of mucus
and i cough a lot.

I dont look like death anymore, but im not glamorous
not pale, got a few pimples :'(

I have binged tons, and been so tempted, like now!


Apr. 26th, 2009

Just did yoga

It was flabberghastinglyamazinglyfunandrefreshing!
I hope i sleep tonight. im pretty sure i have a bug bite :/

my teeth hurt, but i will not bp this week. ALL HEALTHY!!! nah, gotta have a couple binges,but
no bp....at all!!!


Today will be day three!!

I really dont think i will last since
 A) my cousin will be leaving and others wont arrive-thus a time period alone
 B) my willpower is waning..
 C) im getting majorly depressed
 D) i feel like a fat fuck after all the crap i ate yesterday =/
 E) i need to get rid of whatever i plan on eating-ASAP!

so day 1 was semi-easy, i kept myself busy and happy for the most part. I dont remember what i ate, and i txted my buddy and she kept me distracted and upbeat-ish and away from it all. I remember something about my grill :) yum!

Day 2 was hard. i ate everything all day, and i was hungry the entire time!!!! i did yoga yesterday too :D it was AAWESOMAZINGLYFUN!!!!
it felt like forever.

Yesterday i also went shopping. I felt so fat and out of place. it was awkward for me ='(     I got shirts, there werent any jackets-CURSE YOU SPRING! i wont get a swim suit this year, really no point (unless someone wants to see me crack)
I got some yoga pants :) im happy! As soon as a i get my license, if i have courage, i will go to the Y and sign up for a yoga class-ALONE, and a kick boxing class tho i'd like to bring someone, i've kind of cut everyone out O_O time to kiss ass!
I also walked 8000 steps :) i had to use a pedometer for walk fit. Not bad.

I went to take the written test the day before yesteday and the stupid number was one away and the he/she had to say it was time to leave since there was no more time left, after waiting 2 hours! :( i just about screamed!!! then yesterday i got to the counter and i needed my birth certificate-nope...i dont have that :( dammit!!!!!!


Apr. 22nd, 2009

uber tired!

So what started all of my 'go healthy-ness' shit was my mom and my teacher.

I dont think my mom tries to piss me off about my fatness, but she does. And she doesnt let
me forget how much weight i have put on =/ Its very depressing!

My teacher took pics of our class working for some portfolio project/assignment of his, and i tried to
look neutral when he took a pic of the section of the room i was in. I failed x(   He showed us the pics
and kept one from each class period, well i looked like i gained a ton! I knew i had gotten big, but......

DAMN! i am much, much larger than i thought! My arms are all beefy, which i knew-but appear bigger
than i thought! my face looked like shit cuz of the insomnia and purging :( thats why i am going to try and take one
day off each week. I looked really nice today :) idk why, but i did...probably lack of bp yesterday!!!! im very proud about that too =D

So the pic set me off, then that day i went home and bp'd big time, my mom saw the second half of it and commented that
i shouldnt be eating like that since i was soooo FAT. Yeah she went there :( I cried, ran out of the room. She didnt say sorry or
nuthin! I came back when she left-like a minute, and finished off my binge then 'bathed'. it was the last one until today.

SO as i was saying, im uber proud of myself for yesterday :) i honestly didnt think i could do it! i even did some* homework :)

NOW i just need the confidence to read aloud, tho i was fine before the pic, i have to read aloud very soon-probably monday and i cant be self concious! i also have to stand in front of the class soon...i usually dont mind but im a fatty now...it changes everything!

I want to workout too but im too tired after a bp and i end up getting side cramps like crazy!!

Lots of love,

too lazy to re-write

I cant believe i did it, but i did :) im soooo unbelievably proud!I even managed to eat semi-healthy today too. Here is how i celebrated: two grilled cheese sandwhiches made with mozz/parm
2 giant pieces of french toast-the works ;)
a banana
two giant toast w/the eggs
tons of oj, like $4 worth
mt dew!
2 zebra cakes heated and with jam...i need to get nutella NOW!

I still couldnt get it all up, but i got like half so im counting the half im digesting as lunch, since i skipped lunch at school.
It wasnt much, but i couldnt hold out for the pizza and the stated above!

dinner was my healthy, tho no longer safe, soup :) lunch was a disgusting protein bar-im getting rid of them asap!
breakfast was half/bagel and low fat cream cheese :) I also had my green tea!

Does anyone know how to make green tea with the loose leaves?
Do i crush them, smush, place in the tea ball? mine is metal and i put the whole thing in my tea pot....with like 5 cups of
water...am i doing it wrong?

Lots of love,

Apr. 18th, 2009

I really didnt think my day could get any shittier!

So i agreed to go to my dad's side family reunion which in in AUGUST!


how the hell am i supposed to be slim by then? Less flabby? Less distraught? Less unhappy?
Healthier, fitter, comfy in my own clothes??!!

My life is down the drain....

I havent even been able to lose weight in the past two years,
or when i went to Europe, nothing has worked!

I have tried healthy, i've tried starving-cant ever last and Bulimia has been
with me all along, exploded a while back and i've still not lost weight, not been an
overall happier person, and i have a love/hate relationship with food =(
What the hell is wrong with me??

I know that growing has something to do with it, and teenage hormones
and im sure there are other factors, but this kid cant take anymore!
Im scared i might do something stupid! I have txting buddies that i rarely
txt, or tell much about me and i just let it all out here!

I have lost friends this past year, gone through ed hell, lost someone beloved
to me and today i cracked!
I seriously wanted something that many are scared out of their minds when they get it.

I dont want help, but i do....im not quiting and no one can make me! But i want to deal and
just lose the damn weight by august!

Im seriously confused. I dont know what to do or where to go....This place should never be
an only thing to turn to for help...EVER! Not that its bad here, but ya know....


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